Stop Trying to Hold It Together

I tried to keep it together
When I saw you for the first time

I tried to keep it together
The first time you smiled at me

I tried to keep it together
When I was asking you to be with me

I tried to keep it together
When I kissed you for the first time

I tried to keep it together
The first time I saw you cry

But I'm starting to realize
That I'll never be able to keep it together

And I don't think
You will either

So let's both give up
Let's both stop trying

Stop trying to hold it together
In this storm we've brought about

Stop trying to hold it together
When they try to break you apart

When they try
To break us apart

Stop trying to hold it together
When you're heart's telling you to let go

If the world crashes down around us
If my love's all you can see

Just fall apart in my arms
I'll hold you together

I'll hold us together

Change

From a friend...

It’s so cold inside
When pretty soon there will be nowhere else to hide
From what everyone else thinks of me
Because it’s so plain to see
What I am isn’t what you expected
Don’t be so quick to reject it

It’s a cold world
When you’re all alone
She’s just another girl
That I brought home
Doesn’t mean she’s here to stay
But I have to say
I’m just not likely to change

Tears in my eyes
As I asked her to stay
Covered the facts with lies
And then just threw me away
If you weren’t happy
Then neither was I
There will be someone else
But for me it won’t be a guy

It’s a cold world
When you’re all alone
She’s just another girl
That I brought home
Doesn’t mean she’s here to stay
But I have to say
I’m just not likely to change


I’m coming out
I can hide it anymore
I’m gonna shout
No fear or remorse
I’m living my life
The best I know how
I know I’m right
Because everyone knows now

It’s a cold world
When you’re all alone
She’s just another girl
That I brought home
Doesn’t mean she’s here to stay
But I have to say
I’m just not likely to change

I Miss Everything When It Snows

I asked you
For a butterfly

But what it took me
So long to realize

Was that you
Sent me snow

Twice
Instead

And now I remember
That we had two reasons

For loving
The snow

One was because
It had become ours

We took something
That the rest

Of the world
Was experiencing

And made it
Our own

A marker of the first day
Of the rest of our lives

But now I remember
That we thanked you guys

That morning when
We woke up

Is that why you
Sent it that day?

Were you trying
To give me hope?

Or were you trying
To help me let go?

To help me start the first day
Of the rest of my life?

What would the two of you
Say if you were here?

I feel as though you would have
Never wanted us to fall apart

That you would have felt that it
Was too soon for us to leave each other

Just as we felt it was
Too soon for you to leave us

Without You

Without you
I feel

Like a runner
With a broken leg

Like a student
Without a mind

Like a writer
Without a pen

Like a counselor
Without empathy

Like a Christian
Without a soul

Like a friend
With nothing to give

Like a lover
Without a heart

I can't help but feel
That this is slowly

What I'm becoming
Without you

Wasted on Someone Else

I'm honestly sorry
For everything

Even the slightest
Bad things that happened

Even the slightest
Pain I caused you

I will be the first
To say I wasn't perfect

But know that I never
Wanted to cause you harm

And I would have given anything
To make you happy. Anything.

And I still would
To this day

I never wanted
To hurt you

I know why
You left me

And I can honestly say
That I have truly changed

I don't say that with expectations
That you'll come back

But just to let you
In on the truth

I am not that
Person anymore

I would never be
Depressed with you again

You would never
Have to experience that

So I'm not asking
For you to come back

But I am saying that you're reason
For leaving no longer exists

That person
No longer exists

I know I can be better
Given the chance

And I would hate for that
To be wasted on someone else

What is Love?

I tell myself
To hold on

Just another day
Just another moment

To survive just
A little longer

But what am I
Holding on to?

What do I have left
To keep me going?

What is life
Without love?

What is love
Without life?

What is love
Without mutuality?

What good
Does it do?

What is my love worth
Without you being there

To love me
Like I loved you?

Can't Live Without Dying

You told me to end
My desire for numbness

Telling me that
If I achieved it

I wold be desperate for
Any feeling, even pain

I don't know if you were
Just looking out for me

Or if you honestly
Thought you were right

If you honestly had never
Experienced pain like this

A pain so great
A pain so overwhelming

That only numbness
Can mask it

And even hat
Does a mediocre job

Yes, I do
Desire feeling

But I can no longer
Feel without pain

My heart can't
Beat without breaking

I can't live
Without dying

That Day

I can't tell you
The day I'll die

But I can tell you
The day I stopped living

I can't tell you the day
My heart will stop beating

But I can tell you the day
It was broken beyond repair

The day I was
Broken beyond repair

I can't tell you the day
My soul will enter heaven

But I can tell you the day
It left my body

There isn't much
Left of me

If you ask me what
I can no longer do

I will
Say "nothing"

But on the
Same note

If you ask me
What I can do

With passion
With soul

I will
Say "nothing"

I am alive, but
I am not living

My heart is
Still beating

But I wish
It would stop

I see no reason for
Why I am still breathing

The Fine Line between Reality and Escape

I can tell when I'm
Starting to sober up

Because you seem
Like less of a memory

And seem more
Real to me

So if I can't
Go any further

I just
Try to sleep

But then I realize that
You are with me more in my dreams

Than you are when I'm awake
And of a decent state of mind

So it's crazy to use
Sleep as an outlet

But at least then
I can't control it

That's a little better, right?
Or is it?

Am I ever
Really in control?

It seems as though you are
The only one in control

And to think you said
You wanted less control

Over my life
And that's why you left

So much for doing the right thing
So much for being better off

That seems to be
What you thought

That seemed to be
What your friends said

Back when they
Were being honest

Back before they
Got caught up

In the drama and lies
That have been started

Since you
Walked away

And I won't
Blame you or I

I will just attribute it to the fact that
The would just can't spin properly when we're not together

Things just aren't right
I'm just not right

I hope this happiness
Isn't completely real

And that you are feeling
Some of what I'm feeling

That you know deep down
Something in your life isn't right

And that that something
Might be me

Because we were all the other knew for so long
We had a home. We had plans. We had a life.

When was that no longer enough?
When was I no longer enough?

And was there anything
I could do to fix it?

Half of me hopes
That there was

So I have
A reason to believe

But half of me
Hopes that there wasn't

Because then I would
Have a reason to regret

And I don't think I could
Take one more negative emotion

That could be just enough
To push me over the edge

I hope not, because I made
Promises about not leaving

But then again
So did you

And I always claim that
You're twice the person I am

So what would accepting that
Make me look like?

Can I even look
Any worse without you?

Can I even look
Any more broken without you?

I Can't Leave You Guys Behind

I'm certainly afraid of dying
But what is it that scares me?

Is it the unknown?
Or is it the thought

Of losing the ones
I have left?

Am I ready to leave behind
The one I call my soulmate?

Don't I want to hang around
For another mixed CD? Another checklist?

Or another late night
Filled with frustration and laughter?

Am I ready to leave behind
The one who saved me

When she
gave up the job?

Can I leave that
Place and person of comfort?

The one who has proven
They would do anything

To keep me afloat
Even wrestle me to the ground

The one who has provided me
With a safe place to go

When I am no longer
Safe from myself

Am I ready to leave behind
The one I've helped through the same thing?

How could I abandon them
After all of that?

How could I be
Such a hypocrite?

And what about
The ones who said,

"If you go,
I go"

How can I jump
Knowing I would

Take you down
With me?

I may not have
A life left to live

But I know
That you do

And I can't
Take that from you

And I can't bear
To take the hope

Of those
Who would stay

I don't want
For a second

For them to feel
The way I do everyday

Holding On

I'm sitting here
In this hotel room

My thoughts jumping
Back and forth

From you
To hospitalization

And every now and then
I reach out to Him

Even though we've barely talked
Since the day you left me

And I beg
For a sign

I beg for something to show me
That I still have a reason to hold on

But would I even recognize a sign
If you weren't in it?

Am I willing to
Accept reality as it is

And find what I need
Without you here?

I hope that I can
I hope there's something out there

And I hope
I find it soon

Because I can't
Hold on much longer

Trying To Fight Gravity

You act as though
You don't understand

That I really do
Have a condition

You can't seem to take
What's going on seriously

You tell me to
Buck up and deal with it

That there are people
Worse off than me out there

And when I do take action
Outside of all of you

Because I need help
And you won't acknowledge that

You either ignore it completely
Or talk about that impact and gravity

Of the actions
I have taken

But don't talk to me
About impact

When I was hit
So hard by her

That all sense of who I am
And why I'm here

Was knocked out
Of me completely

Don't talk to me
About gravity

When I am plummeting to the bottom
Of the sea of her emotions

And even though I'm drowning
I can't lift myself out

I refuse to believe
That this is just ignorance

But I'm not sure
What it is

Maybe you are trying
To protect yourselves

Because you don't want to know
How bad things really are

I don't blame you.
I wouldn't either.

Why do you think
I try to escape

With every
Chance I get?

Maybe that's what
She was doing

Trying to
Protect herself

Maybe that's what
She's still doing

Maybe it's harder to see
The pain in my eyes

Or to hear my cries
While you're drowning me

I have never wanted
Anything to be hard on you

So if drowning me is what it takes
To keep you sane

Then I will stop
Trying to fight gravity

"Is it true, is love all you need?"

You may disagree with me when I say
That love really is all you need

Because it doesn't pay the bills
It doesn't sustain you

At least not in the sense
That we see as important

It doesn't keep you
Alive and breathing

But it makes you want to stay alive.
It makes you want to keep breathing.

Yes, you can survive without it.
But can you live without it?

Can you experience the true joy
Of what life has to offer

Can you experience true passion
Without it?

I know that
I didn't. I couldn't.

True love pulled me out
Of the dark depths of depression

In a way that counselors, medications,
What have you, could not

So you can believe love
Is far from all you need

But I can tell you
To my great misfortune

That love really is
All I need

Too Much Heart

I have changed so much
I've become a shell of who I once was

I feel as though
I'm not even recognizable

When I like in the mirror
I don't know whose eyes I'm seeing

Maybe that's because
All I can see is you

But my friends seem
To not even know who they're talking to

My mom told me
That you had taken me from her

They tell me I'm not
The person they once knew

And how can I dispute them?
There's nothing left to me

Well, there is one thing
My heart hasn't changed

It's still
Too big

For its own good
For my own good

It encompasses what little
Is left of me

And at the same time
It was what took it all away to begin with

And it's the one thing
No one can change

You stripped every piece of me away
But not that

And sometimes
I wish you would

It's becoming so hard
To carry around

Especially with so
Little strength left

I am a skeleton
With nothing left

But a heart
That has gone from

Being the best part of me
To being the one thing that's

Weighing me down more each day
Killing me little by little each day

Late Night Ramblings To A Friend

Is it really better to have loved and lost
Than to have never loved at all?

That is the question
Of the night

I want to
Know your opinion

Before I fall asleep
And descend into our world

Where there is still love
And I can convince her of that

We'll never escape each other
Even if it's only in our dreams

I do
Know that

Even if she never comes back
Even if I never come back

Will I ever come back?
To reality? To the old me?

Is this a start
In the right direction?

Who knows?
Who will ever know?

Only her.
Always her.

Part of the reason
That she left me

Was supposedly because she held
Too many cards in the relationship

I wonder if she realizes
That by leaving me

All she's done
Is gathered even more?

Does It Even Matter?

I won.
It's over.

But it didn't change anything
In terms of my thoughts

It just changed
My reality

Or ave my thoughts
Become my reality?

Have my writings
Become my reality?

Can I even tell
The difference between the two?

Does it even matter?
Does anything matter

Without her
But loss?

Trying To Cope

Sometimes I wonder
If I would be better off

Deleting these messages
Before the morning

Because I don't know
If I want to see

What raw heartbreak
Looks like in my life

Because there's always something
I don't see when I'm sober

It's a shield
For us. Always.

Even if we think
We're always up front and real

There's always a shield that
Sometimes when we're drunk

We can't think enough
To think it into existence

To believe it
Into existence

Did I believe our love into existence
When I was sober?

When I didn't have
A reason to get drunk

Because nothing would be better
Than the sober reality of being with her?

The Only Two Things I've Ever Believed In

Sober, drunk
Trial, guilt, innocence

I love her. Always.
Under all circumstances.

To me she
Will always be

An amazing person
Who made some bad decisions

Instead of a horrible person
Who had a few shining moments

That I happened
To see

Today makes me wonder
If there's anything

She can do
To convince me

That she isn't the person
I've always made her out to be

The person she, up until a few months ago,
Showed me she was

I have no idea where I am
I have no idea where she is

But I know that
She is on my heart

And she will
Always remain there

And after today
I realized that

I don't know if there's anything
That can change that

Will I ever let myself
Accept the fact

That she isn't coming back?
That she isn't that amazing?

To me, denying that would
Be like denying my faith

Because, at times, it seems as though
Those may be the only two things I've ever believed in

One in the Same

It doesn't have to
Be this way

How did "our" friends go
From being caught

In the middle
To not even being able

To look at me
When I pass by

How did they go
From supporting me

And telling me
That you were the one

Who made the mistake
To joining in your fight

To tear my life apart
Piece by piece

Are you really that persuasive?
Do I really seem that dishonest?

I just can't imagine that they
Have been playing me this whole time

But then again
I would have never imagined

That you could
Turn on me like this

Maybe I should
Start imagining

Maybe your cynicism caused you
To betray the hopeless romantic

Or do we even know
Which one caused the other?

Maybe being a cynic
And a betrayed hopeless romantic

Are one in the same

So What Does It Mean?

So this time
After I asked

For the sign
I dreamt about us

Yet again
And it was

The most vivid dream
Yet to come

I still feel like
I'm in the middle of it

We were in exactly the same place
That we are now

And I was chasing after you
And finally I stopped

And got down on one knee
And asked you to marry me

I said "I know we don't have the money for this
And I know we're too young"

"And I cant
Buy you a ring"

"But I'm proposing because I want
To spend the rest of my life with you"

"We can do this
I swear we can make it"

"In time I'll be able
To give you these things"

"In time it will all be okay
If you just say yes"

"We can make it through
All of this"

And you took my hand
And pulled me up

And said, with tears in your eyes,
"Okay, I'll marry you"

"But if I do
We'll both have to be broken"

Is that why you left me?
To protect us both?

I thought we were saving each other
Were we just breaking each other piece by piece?

And were you just the only one
That could see it?

Prayer

I went to sleep last night
Praying for a sign

As to why
This is all happening

I don't pray much anymore
Because I prayed that you would stay

With a desperation that
Even in my darkest moments

I have never
Come close to knowing

I poured out my heart
With every word

Just as I prayed for you
And about you

Thinking about you
Thanking Him for you

But you still left me
Alone with those prayers

You had become my reason
To pray, to live

You kept my faith alive
In everything

And now I feel as though
I have nothing to believe in

I guess it's all part
Of that catch 22

That you've turned
My life into

Prayer is all I have left without you
But without you, I can't bring myself to my knees

Wait

Could you at least wait
Until I've come to terms with the fact

That the knife is there
Before you drive it in even further?

Could you at least wait
Until I'm off the bridge

Before you start
Burning it beneath me?

Or are you just tired from all the waiting
You had to do when we were together?

I know it was never easy
I know it was never perfect

But it all would have been
Worth the wait in the end

I promise you that.

The Battle Continues

I don't think
You really lead me on

I think you were honestly
Planning on giving me a chance

If you weren't
You wouldn't have come back for the flowers

If you weren't
You wouldn't have needed

To drink me away every night
Before you made that call

If you weren't
You wouldn't have told me

About all of the things
You weren't happy with

Because why would
It have mattered?

If you were just
Going to leave anyway?

But someone convinced you
That it was the right thing to do

Even though you knew in your heart
That it wasn't

And I will go to my grave
Believing that

Not because of
Everything I just said

But because of those three words
You whispered in my ear

On our last night together
When you thought I was sleeping

You can claim everything else
Is based in assumptions

But go ahead
Please try to dispute that

There's no way
That you can

But I suppose
That it doesn't matter

Because by the time
The battle was over

And all the dust
Had settled around you

You just couldn't bear
To give up your pride

And come back
Admitting it was the right thing

So the battle continues
But I must admit

I wonder which one of us you're hurting more.

I Wish I Could Give Up

I wish I could tell you
That the way you look at me doesn't bother me

I wish I could tell you
That being near you doesn't tear me apart

I wish I could tell you
That I was happy for you

But that would simply be
Exchanging a lie or a lie

I wish I knew what
The way you look at me means

Is it real?
Is it fake?

Is it just you trying to convince
Anyone that might be watching

As well as yourself
That you hate me

Or is it you conveying
That you truly wish I would give up

Because that would make everything
So much easier for you

Because you wouldn't have
Anything to feel guilty about

You wouldn't have
A void to fill

If I would just give up
If I would just stop loving you

All We Need To Escape

I have begun to drink you away
Like you drank me away every night

Until the day
You made that call

I'm seeing your reflection
In every tear I cry

Just as you saw mine
As the tears flowed

Every time you thought about
What you were about to do

And all the anger, battles and lies
Couldn't mask them

And least
Not from me

You didn't have to tell me
For me to know they were there

And now I'm looking for fulfillment
Looking for ways to cope in all of the wrong places

Just as you did
For many years

Before you found me
And were set free

So now, because of what you've done
I've become the person you once were

I finally understand
In the truest sense

What made you
Who you were

On the day
That we met

So now we're
Completely the same

And all we need to escape
Is each other

Where I Am Without You

I've heard people say
Things about the good in relationships

Like, it's one thousand little things
Not one big thing

Was that what caused you to leave me?
One thousand bad things that you never told me were bad?

Why didn't you step in
Before it went too far?

I know I was sick
But that isn't an excuse

Because if you honestly cared about that
You wouldn't have left

You would have
Given us a fair chance

Because you know
That where I was

Was nothing compared to
Where I would be without you

Where I am
Without you

Here in Your World

In my dream...

I reached for your hand
And you wouldn't let me take it at first

You tried to keep up the charade
And you gave me that look

But then I tried again
And this time you let me

And I remember thinking
I must be dreaming

But it all felt so real
That I was convinced

Yes, there were other aspects
That were foggy

But your hand in mine
Even in a dream

Was the most real sensation I've felt
Since the day you walked away

And you let me back in
To this new life you created for yourself

And it was so hard
And so confusing to be a part of

But the joy
Outweighted the frustration

And I told you I would stay here in your world
Until we could rebuild ours

Captivation and Devastation

You could have taken her away
From the pain, from the world

If only for a day
If only for a moment

And you did
When she let you

They say you can't fight fate
And that if it's meant to be it will happen

But she ran from fate
And wouldn't let it happen

So where do you stand now?
Now what do they have to say to you?

Maybe your expectations
Were too high

Maybe I should have
Considered the fact

That you could only take her so far
Before she realized she was somewhere different

And was scared
By the unfamiliar

And no matter how hard you tried
No matter how much you pleaded

Trying with everything you had
To get her to listen, she wouldn't

She turned from you and ran
Back to the familiar

And it broke your heart
Not just to watch her leave

But to know exactly
Where she was going

And that there was nothing you could do
To stop her

And you were overwhelmed
With both captivation and devastation

Because you had to take in her beauty as she ran
And the fact that she would again never look back

In the same moment

I Don't Mind

I don't mind if you think horrible thoughts about me
Because, at least, I'll be on your mind

I don't mind if you tell the world lies about me
Because, at least, my name will resonate from your lips

I don't mind if you glare at me
Because I, at least, get to see those eyes again

I don't mind if you criticize my writings
Because you, at least, care enough to want to know my thoughts

I don't mind if you do everything you can
To make my life a living hell

Because, at least, that means
You're still a part of it...for now

I don't mind if you come back and walk all over me
Because, at least, we'd be touching

I don’t mind if I have to wait forever
Because, at least, I'll have something to hope for

Think of Me

You are captivating
Someone else will fall, just as I did

And I hope you think of me
When he isn't there on lonely nights

Because you know
I would be

I hope you think of me
When he makes you feel less than perfect

Because you know
That I never would

But I hope you think of me
If he does do all the right things

Because you know
That that's what I would want for you

I hope you never settle
I hope you never stop loving

I hope you never stop thinking of me
But most of all

I hope you never do to someone else
What you've done to me

What One Picture Was Able To Show Me

I see you
Trying so hard

To convince yourself
And the rest of the world

That you're not the person you were
When we were together

You're going all the extremes
To prove this point

You've even resorted
To becoming the person you once were

Before we met
And you realized you were cheating yourself

You realized you deserved better
You realized you could be better

But now you've let yourself
Become an object to lust over

Because that's the last thing
You would ever feel in my presence

You're trying so desperately
To eradicate those pieces of me

That have become
Wrapped up in who you are

And it has lead you back
To your old ways

And caused us to have no idea
Who the other is anymore

What They Tell Me

They tell me to move on
That I've had enough time

They tell me that you've changed
And ask why I would want the person you've become

They ask me why I would want you back
After everything that's happened

They tell me that I need to
Accept the fact that people change

They say horrible things about you
And the way that situation has played out because of your actions

But what they don't realize
Is that I don't care

I don't care who did what
Or who said what

I love you
With every ounce of my being

I love you because of who you are
Not in spite of it

I love you
Without condition

And that will never change
Even if you do

You Are My Ocean

This was supposed to be a time away
A time when I didn't think about you

Didn't think about what happened
Or try to figure out the reasons why

But it seems like all of my experiences
Have become a metaphor for you and I

Like how the water freezes so much it hurts
At first, until you get used to it

Maybe I have to stay in this pain for a while
To become numb to the stinging feeling

Or how, when you try to run in the ocean,
It feels as though you're fighting with twice your strength to get half as far

That's kind of how
I feel with you

I'm fighting with everything I have
So that you'll come back to me

But it's starting to feel
Like I'm just running in the ocean

Kidding myself into thinking
That all of this effort

Will get me out of the cold any faster

Her Arms...Your Resting Place

You miss her
Every second of every day

Not a day passes
That you don't think about her

Not a night passes
That you don't dream about her

The people that tell you to move on
Clearly have never experienced a love like this

Or have numbed themselves to the pain
By forgetting what happened

They don't know what it's like
To miss someone this much

To miss someone
With every fiber of your being

To miss every good, bad, uplifting, spirit breaking
Broken yet perfect part of them

You'll never claim that she's perfect
But you'll always claim that she's perfect for you

You fit perfectly together
Literally and figuratively

That must be why
You miss her most at night

Because that was when
You felt closest to her

You told her that
The night you put that ring on her finger

Nights were a positive end
To every day, no matter the circumstances

Because every night
You let your soul rest in her arms

You miss those arms
You miss that safe place

Peace like that is hard,
If not impossible, to come by

So how can you be expected to find peace,
To find joy, elsewhere?

And why would you even want to?

My Thoughts

I found this a few days ago...Not sure when I wrote it. I guess I wanted to give rhyming a shot...

I thought we were on the same page
But you were in a different book

I thought I saw the truth in your eyes
But maybe I should've taken another look

You said you loved me
But now you hate me?

I didn't think there could be such a fine line between the two
Especially with me and you

You told me you'd be
The one I'd marry

But now I can barely carry
The burden of losing you

You can't really hate me.
There's no way.

Or am I just deceived?
Refusing to perceive the truth?

Fly With Me

We should have been
Celebrating today

We should have been
Talking about the future

I wonder if you think about me
On these days

Sometimes I hope
That you do

But sometimes I hope
That you can't bear the thought

Because I would
Like to think

That if you thought about me today
You would come back

You would realize that
What we had wasn't a mistake

I know deep down
You know it's true

But will you ever
Come to terms with it?

Will you ever leave
Your fear and pride behind?

And stop worrying about falling
And just jump?

Just fly with me?

Beach Retreat

I didn't come here
Looking for a cure

I didn't come here
Thinking I would get over what happened

I came here
Out of sheer desperation

I came here because I thought
There may be someone there to convince me to stay

Because I had begun thinking
About leaving it all behind again

And what I was given
Wasn't a cure

I wasn't just told
To get over it

I was given touch so compelling and sincere
That it brought me to tears

I was given prayer
With words from the heart

Words with such genuine care behind them
Words that I know were given by You

Words that gave me hope
That it would all be okay

I met people
That gave me a reason to stay

At least long enough
To get to know them

To share my story
And to hear theirs

I was not only spoken to, but listened to
In a way that conveyed unquestionable care

And I worshiped
With these people

Worshiped with a sense of community and closeness God
That I have never known

I felt God
I felt these people

These people that I barely knew
Pouring their hearts out to Him

And I could not help but to be touched
To be saved by such love

When I consider leaving it all behind
Which I still do sometimes

I think about how we worshiped that night on the beach
I think about how truly loved and cared for I felt

And I can't bring myself
To leave that behind just yet

What "The Book" Was Missing

You always talked about
How you could write the book on relationships

That you knew
Exactly what to do

And everyone believed you
Everyone listened to what you had to say

Because they knew your heart
And they knew that all you ever wanted

Was to do everything in your power
To make her happy

And to never lose sight of that
To never give up on that

But what you never thought about
What you never thought you would have to consider

Was that there should have been
Some sort of disclaimer

Some sort of afterward
Something, anything to remind the readers

That no matter what you do
No matter how hard you love

No matter how many promises
You make and mean

No matter how many times that you prove yourself
By staying around no matter what

That there's still the chance
That she will walk out on you

And you'll be so committed to those promises
You'll have your heart set so deeply in them

That you stay
You still hold true to them

So you're left standing there
While she runs in the opposite direction

Because you made a commitment
A vow to stay

So you stay
Alone. Watching, waiting

So how do you
Write the book now?

How do you teach people
To give all they have

But then not let her take it with her
When she runs away. When she disappears.

But you still stay
You always stay

Hoping and dreading at the same time
That you'll catch a glimpse of her

Because you want so desperately to see her happy
But you want so desperately not to see her with someone else

If You're Reading This

My hope for you
Is that you'll find comfort in hard times

My hope for you
Is that you will be accepted

Just as you are
Just as I did

My hope for you
Is that you find peace in the midst of chaos

That you don't revert back to your old ways
Because it's all you know without me

But most of all
My hope for you is that you are loved

Loved in the same way I loved you
In the same way I will always love you

A love without conditions, limits, ends
A love that is indefatigable yet undefinable at the same time

You will always have my love
You will always have my heart

My hope for you is that you never lose it all
But remember me if you do

Your Reality

You had someone from the trip
Ask you if you were having a good time

And your first thought was
"Without her?"

For a second you had forgotten
That your reality has become separate from the world's

That she has become your reality
Your time, your life has begun to revolve around the two of you

You have lost
All concept of time

Your past has become
Your life with her

Your present has become
Losing her

Your future has become
Your life without her

Your dates revolve around
Your monthaversaries, your wedding plans...

You can't seem to think about life
Without thinking about that fact that she's not here with you

Her Ring

So you're starting to get used to
The loss of the weight of her ring

Not that it was a weight
It was a balance

Being without it felt wrong
Like something was missing

You know she took hers off too fast
And was left with a void that she filled with hate

Or should you say "hate"?
Because you still don't believe that it's real

Are you just ignorant?
Or are you the only one in the world who knows what's going on in her head?

It wouldn't be the first time
And you hope it won't be the last

You hope she'll let you into those places again
Even if you have to ask

Taking Everything But Your Name

She was supposed to take your name
But she took everything else instead

She was supposed to take your name
But she took your heart instead

She was supposed to take your name
But she took your dignity instead

She was supposed to take your name
But she took your pride instead

She was supposed to take your name
But she took your faith instead

She was supposed to take your name
But she took your hope instead

Or did she?
Will you ever lose this hope?

Will you ever feel that there's anyone else
Who's meant to take this name?

What About Love?

The beach gives me a sense of peace
Not the same as what you gave me, of course

It just makes the words flow
Not in the same way you could make them flow, of course

I have written so much
While I've been here

But it's all revolved
Around you, of course

You said that part of the reason why you left
Was because you meant too much to me

Did you honestly think
Leaving me would change that?

Or did you know
It would enforce it?

Leaving me not only with the same feelings
But with them unreturned

Were you even thinking?
Did you even consider that?

I have heard that it can be easy
For fear to overcome rationale

But what about love overcoming all?

Too Much to Handle

I didn't dream about you last night
Or at least I couldn't remember my dreams

Maybe that's because my subconscious mind knew
That it would just be too much too handle

As if it wasn't too much to handle
When I had to spent nine months lying to everyone I loved

As if it wasn't too much to handle
The first night when you tried to leave and I begged you to stay

As if it wasn't too much to handle
When I found out you had spent days giving me false hope

As if it wasn't too much to handle
When you thought a phone call would suffice

As if it wasn't too much to handle
When I saw that it only took a matter of hours to get your ring off

As if it wasn't too much to handle
When you told me you hated me

As if it wasn't too much to handle
When you told me you didn't owe me anything anymore

Even an explanation
But forget the explanations

None of that matters to me
Just come back and we'll start over

You wanted so desperately for me to forget the past
Well, my love, that's exactly what I'm trying to do

All The Pieces

I went back to the beach
Something I wasn't sure if I'd ever again be able to do

Because you were the last and the next one
That was supposed to be here with me

Why are you not still here with me?
Why am I not still there with you?

You took your bedroom back
And you took our apartment back

But as much as that shocked me
As much as that hurt me

I never thought
You would take your heart back

Because you still
Have mine too

Well, that is, if you can find all the pieces
From where you shattered it right before my eyes

From a friend...

I will by no means take credit for these, but a friend recently shared them with me and I could definitely understand where they were coming from in writing them so I thought I'd share.

Forgotten Tomb

Somewhere locked deep inside
Are the feelings that I hide
The feelings of a love so pure
It's sad they weren't so sure

So they caused me all this pain
And caused me to go insane
So I lock my feelings inside their tomb
The feelings from which I felt so much gloom

Now they hurt me no more
Except the open wounds so sore
The corpses of my love, heart, and soul
Are buried in that deep dark hole

Behind a set of doors
With traps set in the floors
And of course there's a lock and key
It will take some work to set them free

But if you have the time and skill
You may find a way still
To break into that hallowed room
And release my soul from its sullen tomb


Leaving Love

All the tears that I cry
Seem to be in correlation to your lies
And all the things that you say
Never seem to happen that way

All the feelings that I felt
And every situation with which I dealt
It all seemed to be because of you

I know you're feeling it too
This is long overdue
Me and love, we're through

Every night I lie awake
Every hit I take
Every time I was down
Every time I got up off the ground

It was love that put me there
Now I have nothing left to share
All of this because of you

I know you feel it too
This is long overdue
Me and love, we're through

I can't imagine this life
Without all your strife
I can't stand in this rain
Without feeling your pain

I can't tip this bottle back
Without it pouring in every crack
Sadly I know it's true
It's all because of you

I know you're feeling it too
This is long overdue
Me and love are through

I ride off into the sun
Knowing that I'm done
I can finally live free
Without you weighing down on me

I can finally breathe this breath
Without thinking about everything I left
I can finally move on
Knowing that I'm gone

To look back again
Would be a mortal sin
I know we had our fun
But me and love, we're done


Cranial Garden

You planted thoughts in my head
I watered them and made sure they were fed
I talked to them and gave them light
Hoping everything would turn out right

I'm not quite sure why you put them there
But you left them without a care
You left them lying in their bed
So I let them wither, see them dead

I don't know why you led me here
Your intentions were never clear
I couldn't see what you had to gain
By causing me all this pain

Now I told you that they died
Told you how hard I tried
You seemed so sad to see them go
If that's true why couldn't you let me know

You seemed to want to keep them alive
Am I just another bee living in your hive
So hard to keep these thoughts green
When you couldn't tell me what they mean to you

I don't know why you lead me here
Your intentions were never clear
I couldn't see what you had to gain
By causing me all this pain

Now I've seen beyond your game
Removed your garden from my brain
I still have no idea why you wanted it there
Honestly I couldn't care

I only wish you the best
Sorting out all the rest
You said you wanted to be more than friends
But wouldn't bring yourself to it in the end

I wish I knew why you lead me here
I wish you could make your intentions clear
I wish I could see what you had to gain
So I could use it to get past all this pain

A slight drizzle coming down
The seeds laying in the ground
Light shining where they lay
Maybe they could find a way

Forgetting the Love to Forget the Guilt

Did taking down all my pictures
Make you forget me?

Did throwing away all my letters
Make you forget me?

Did pretending like you hate me
Make you forget me?

Did all of the lies you told
Make you forget me?

Did filling the void with someone else
Make you forget me?

We both know they never will.
But do you wish they would?

Or is that just a lie
Like everything else?

A Thank You Letter

You saved me
From her and from myself

And not just on the first night when we got back from her place
And I took off my belt and handed it to you

And we both knew the impact of that gesture
Without having to say a word to each other

But you stayed when no one else would
When no one else could

You never stopped listening
Never stopped telling me it would all be okay

You never took your eyes off of me
Once you found out where I was

You tried so hard
To make it better

You lifted my spirits
With "Mr. Jones"

Telling me that if everybody loves me
I can never be lonely

You even drove me to the last place I wanted
But the first place I needed to go

I don't know how
You handled it

But I am forever grateful
For what you did

You saved my life
You gave me a reason to stay

When I thought
She was the only one I had

I still listen to that song
When I think about ending it

To remind myself
That we will always have each other

That I could never do to you
What she did to me

All You Had

They tell you you should
Focus on the good

On everything you do have
But what they don't know

Is that you would give it all up
To have her back

There's nothing you wouldn't have done
To change what happened

But that's just it
You did give it all up for her

You have her your heart
When your heart was all you had

And you know she didn't ask
But she didn't have to

Then she walked away
When it felt like she was all you had

Was she all you had?

More Than A Flame

If you lived by the philosophy
That old flames never die

Then you would have never trusted
What the two of you had

But what you had
Was more than a flame

You don't have enough pride to think
That you're the only one that can make her happy

But you do have enough knowledge
To make you worry that she'll settle again

It breaks your spirit
And lifts it at the same time

To see her happy
You just wish you knew if it was real

Or do you?
Would you even want to know?

Would the pain outweigh the pleasure?
Will yours ever outweigh hers?

Always Her

It was always her
That's how you judged when things had gone too far

When even she wasn't enough
To make you want to live

But what about now?
Where do you draw the line?

Who's strong enough to stop you?
Or just to wake you up?

Who's your reason to stay?
Who's giving you what she gave you?

Trying to Save Each Other

It's crazy how she can make you feel so worthless
Even when you have so many people telling you you're not

And a God that loves you
Not that she believes in Him

She came close once
That night you almost ended it

Was it that she couldn't bear the thought
Of you ending up in different places?

Or was it that she would say anything
Out of desperation?

Because she didn't want you to go
Not because you were her "responsibility"

But because she loved you
Too much to let you

Maybe she still does love you
And this is how she's bearing that same thought

By turning you into a "responsibility", a cause
And you thought you were the one doing the saving

Maybe you could have saved each other
If she had just stayed around

Anyway

You didn't come to her looking for your fate
But she showed it to you anyway

You didn't come to her looking for love
But she gave it to you anyway

You didn't come to her looking for a soulmate
But she gave you one anyway

You didn't come to her looking for loss
But she showed you what it was anyway

You didn't leave her looking for hate
But she gave it to you anyway

You didn't ask to dream about her every. single. night. since she left you
But it's happening anyway

Too Soon

You loved her eyes
But not just the gorgeous blend of colors that far too few people noticed

But what you saw when you looked into them
Yourself, your future, "our" future

You loved being close to her
And not just in the joking obnoxious sense where you think she's leaving forever when she gets up

But you thrived on the great sense of peace
That came from being near her

You loved coming home
And you looked forward to being able to do that every day for the rest of your life

You loved all her smiles
Like the half smile she would fight so hard not let through when she was pretending to give you the cold shoulder

Or the one she gave right before she kissed you
When you hadn't seen each other for a long time, or even just for the day

You loved her laugh
Because it was real; it was genuine

You loved being in her arms
Because you've never found a place where you've felt safer

You loved holding her hand
But it always seemed like you let go too soon

She let go too soon...

When "regular" people say some amazing things...

A friend wrote this and shared it with me a long time ago and I never realized that I would need to hear it as much as I do now...

"It is in the moments after we lose what precious things we hold closest to our hearts that we discover how strong we truly are. These experiences leave us broken, and we are never able to put the pieces back exactly how they were. That's a part of growing up, though. To experience heartbreak and to gain from it. Although the pieces never fit the same way again, new pieces appear. New pieces that add to our character, morality, and strength. Without those additions, we would never mature. We would be incapable of learning. Ultimately, we would be incapable of sharing all of the wondrous sections of moral fiber that make up our individual soul. If you have never experienced a break in spirit, then you have no true sense of what it's like to put it all on the line for something greater than yourself. If you were to play it safe, and avoid all risks, then you have no sense of what it's like to follow your dreams. After all, a dream is usually something that is just beyond your grasp, something you know is out there, but it's just barely unattainable. Every chance you leave untaken is like a missing piece to the puzzle of your soul. No one person ever has the whole puzzle figured out. It is the steps we take to discover the missing pieces that truly showcase our personalities. Some may never go looking for what is missing, while others may literally run from it, but it is those of us strong enough to stick it out and endeavor all of the frustrating nights spent searching for the absent puzzle-piece. It is the person that does not give up that will ultimately end up with just enough pieces to make it work."

You Really Are Scary

She washed the blood from her hands
Before your friends could see

She told them how horrible you were
How scary you were

And the truth is
You really were scary

You scared her the first time you really looked at her
You scared her the first time you reached for her hand

You scared her the first time you held her
You scared her the first time she fell asleep in your arms

You set her heart on fire
And she was scared she might burn alive

So she turned cold
She froze against you

And she wanted the same for you
She tried desperately to give you that way out

She tried desperately to make you hate her
And to make you believe she hated you

And she still is
She's still trying

She may never stop
She may never face you

She's scared for both of you
But that's just it

You would rather burn alive
Than hate her

You would rather spend the rest of your life on fire
Than spend it without her

Oh, to be able to go back...

You count her backward steps
As she makes her way back into the room
Her bag slips out of her hand
Her shoes slip off of her feet

The painful words reenter her mouth
The tears make their way back into both of your eyes
Her ring bounces off of your chest and back into her hand
Then she slips it back onto her finger

Your hands fall back down to your sides
Your words of desperation make their way back into your mouth
You watch her backward steps until she is sitting on the edge of the bed
Your body immediately follows and is hurled back beside her because you jumped at the sound of those words

But this time the words “I can’t do this anymore” never make their way out of her mouth
Her body falls back down against the bed
Rolls over as she faces you
You looking into her eyes and her into yours

You're a Catch-22

So I woke up at 3 am and this is what came to mind...

She's amazing. You'll find that out shortly after meeting her.
But she's broken. So you try to save her, because she invokes a desire in you too powerful to fight.
But she's not ready, so you wait. And you wait. And finally she lets you in.
And when she does, it's like nothing you've ever felt before.

She brings you to new heights, give you highs you never thought you could experience.
She becomes like an addiction, something you can't live without.
And you'll do anything to keep this high. You'll do anything to make her happy.
And you do. You treat her like no one has ever been treated. You value her like no one has ever been valued.

And you both know this is the best that it's ever going to get for each other.
So you start making plans...living together, marriage, kids....
You can't wait to spend the rest of your life with her.
And it seems mutual for a very long time.

Then one day she gets scared again.
She no longer believes you can save her.
She no longer lets herself be happy with you.
She's too scarred not to settle.

Because with new heights come the possibility of falling.
So she starts worrying about falling.
And you promise to catch her.
But she won't listen.

And you go back to day one.
You tell her you'll wait.
But she won't let you.
She's determined to convince herself that you've done something wrong. That you're wrong.

So you fight.
You fight with everything you have.
You fight as if you were fighting for your life.
Because she has become your life.

And she can't take it.
She won't let you fight.
She's determined to settle.
Even though that's the last thing she deserves.

And you can't bear the thought of living without her.
She was your passion, your life.
Dying even seems a more feasible option.
Would it not be better than watching her "move on" with someone who doesn't even care that she's broken?

But would that not be hypocritical of you?
To move on without her?
Knowing being with anyone but her would be settling.
But you know you can't be with her.

She refuses to come back.
Refuses to be saved.
But that's just it. You already saved her.
And that new-found freedom, that new-found happiness made her run. Made her run like hell.

And you would chase her.
Chase her until your legs break beneath you.
But will you ever catch up to her?
And if you do, will she even turn around?