The Fine Line between Reality and Escape

I can tell when I'm
Starting to sober up

Because you seem
Like less of a memory

And seem more
Real to me

So if I can't
Go any further

I just
Try to sleep

But then I realize that
You are with me more in my dreams

Than you are when I'm awake
And of a decent state of mind

So it's crazy to use
Sleep as an outlet

But at least then
I can't control it

That's a little better, right?
Or is it?

Am I ever
Really in control?

It seems as though you are
The only one in control

And to think you said
You wanted less control

Over my life
And that's why you left

So much for doing the right thing
So much for being better off

That seems to be
What you thought

That seemed to be
What your friends said

Back when they
Were being honest

Back before they
Got caught up

In the drama and lies
That have been started

Since you
Walked away

And I won't
Blame you or I

I will just attribute it to the fact that
The would just can't spin properly when we're not together

Things just aren't right
I'm just not right

I hope this happiness
Isn't completely real

And that you are feeling
Some of what I'm feeling

That you know deep down
Something in your life isn't right

And that that something
Might be me

Because we were all the other knew for so long
We had a home. We had plans. We had a life.

When was that no longer enough?
When was I no longer enough?

And was there anything
I could do to fix it?

Half of me hopes
That there was

So I have
A reason to believe

But half of me
Hopes that there wasn't

Because then I would
Have a reason to regret

And I don't think I could
Take one more negative emotion

That could be just enough
To push me over the edge

I hope not, because I made
Promises about not leaving

But then again
So did you

And I always claim that
You're twice the person I am

So what would accepting that
Make me look like?

Can I even look
Any worse without you?

Can I even look
Any more broken without you?

I Can't Leave You Guys Behind

I'm certainly afraid of dying
But what is it that scares me?

Is it the unknown?
Or is it the thought

Of losing the ones
I have left?

Am I ready to leave behind
The one I call my soulmate?

Don't I want to hang around
For another mixed CD? Another checklist?

Or another late night
Filled with frustration and laughter?

Am I ready to leave behind
The one who saved me

When she
gave up the job?

Can I leave that
Place and person of comfort?

The one who has proven
They would do anything

To keep me afloat
Even wrestle me to the ground

The one who has provided me
With a safe place to go

When I am no longer
Safe from myself

Am I ready to leave behind
The one I've helped through the same thing?

How could I abandon them
After all of that?

How could I be
Such a hypocrite?

And what about
The ones who said,

"If you go,
I go"

How can I jump
Knowing I would

Take you down
With me?

I may not have
A life left to live

But I know
That you do

And I can't
Take that from you

And I can't bear
To take the hope

Of those
Who would stay

I don't want
For a second

For them to feel
The way I do everyday

Holding On

I'm sitting here
In this hotel room

My thoughts jumping
Back and forth

From you
To hospitalization

And every now and then
I reach out to Him

Even though we've barely talked
Since the day you left me

And I beg
For a sign

I beg for something to show me
That I still have a reason to hold on

But would I even recognize a sign
If you weren't in it?

Am I willing to
Accept reality as it is

And find what I need
Without you here?

I hope that I can
I hope there's something out there

And I hope
I find it soon

Because I can't
Hold on much longer

Trying To Fight Gravity

You act as though
You don't understand

That I really do
Have a condition

You can't seem to take
What's going on seriously

You tell me to
Buck up and deal with it

That there are people
Worse off than me out there

And when I do take action
Outside of all of you

Because I need help
And you won't acknowledge that

You either ignore it completely
Or talk about that impact and gravity

Of the actions
I have taken

But don't talk to me
About impact

When I was hit
So hard by her

That all sense of who I am
And why I'm here

Was knocked out
Of me completely

Don't talk to me
About gravity

When I am plummeting to the bottom
Of the sea of her emotions

And even though I'm drowning
I can't lift myself out

I refuse to believe
That this is just ignorance

But I'm not sure
What it is

Maybe you are trying
To protect yourselves

Because you don't want to know
How bad things really are

I don't blame you.
I wouldn't either.

Why do you think
I try to escape

With every
Chance I get?

Maybe that's what
She was doing

Trying to
Protect herself

Maybe that's what
She's still doing

Maybe it's harder to see
The pain in my eyes

Or to hear my cries
While you're drowning me

I have never wanted
Anything to be hard on you

So if drowning me is what it takes
To keep you sane

Then I will stop
Trying to fight gravity

"Is it true, is love all you need?"

You may disagree with me when I say
That love really is all you need

Because it doesn't pay the bills
It doesn't sustain you

At least not in the sense
That we see as important

It doesn't keep you
Alive and breathing

But it makes you want to stay alive.
It makes you want to keep breathing.

Yes, you can survive without it.
But can you live without it?

Can you experience the true joy
Of what life has to offer

Can you experience true passion
Without it?

I know that
I didn't. I couldn't.

True love pulled me out
Of the dark depths of depression

In a way that counselors, medications,
What have you, could not

So you can believe love
Is far from all you need

But I can tell you
To my great misfortune

That love really is
All I need

Too Much Heart

I have changed so much
I've become a shell of who I once was

I feel as though
I'm not even recognizable

When I like in the mirror
I don't know whose eyes I'm seeing

Maybe that's because
All I can see is you

But my friends seem
To not even know who they're talking to

My mom told me
That you had taken me from her

They tell me I'm not
The person they once knew

And how can I dispute them?
There's nothing left to me

Well, there is one thing
My heart hasn't changed

It's still
Too big

For its own good
For my own good

It encompasses what little
Is left of me

And at the same time
It was what took it all away to begin with

And it's the one thing
No one can change

You stripped every piece of me away
But not that

And sometimes
I wish you would

It's becoming so hard
To carry around

Especially with so
Little strength left

I am a skeleton
With nothing left

But a heart
That has gone from

Being the best part of me
To being the one thing that's

Weighing me down more each day
Killing me little by little each day

Late Night Ramblings To A Friend

Is it really better to have loved and lost
Than to have never loved at all?

That is the question
Of the night

I want to
Know your opinion

Before I fall asleep
And descend into our world

Where there is still love
And I can convince her of that

We'll never escape each other
Even if it's only in our dreams

I do
Know that

Even if she never comes back
Even if I never come back

Will I ever come back?
To reality? To the old me?

Is this a start
In the right direction?

Who knows?
Who will ever know?

Only her.
Always her.

Part of the reason
That she left me

Was supposedly because she held
Too many cards in the relationship

I wonder if she realizes
That by leaving me

All she's done
Is gathered even more?

Does It Even Matter?

I won.
It's over.

But it didn't change anything
In terms of my thoughts

It just changed
My reality

Or ave my thoughts
Become my reality?

Have my writings
Become my reality?

Can I even tell
The difference between the two?

Does it even matter?
Does anything matter

Without her
But loss?

Trying To Cope

Sometimes I wonder
If I would be better off

Deleting these messages
Before the morning

Because I don't know
If I want to see

What raw heartbreak
Looks like in my life

Because there's always something
I don't see when I'm sober

It's a shield
For us. Always.

Even if we think
We're always up front and real

There's always a shield that
Sometimes when we're drunk

We can't think enough
To think it into existence

To believe it
Into existence

Did I believe our love into existence
When I was sober?

When I didn't have
A reason to get drunk

Because nothing would be better
Than the sober reality of being with her?

The Only Two Things I've Ever Believed In

Sober, drunk
Trial, guilt, innocence

I love her. Always.
Under all circumstances.

To me she
Will always be

An amazing person
Who made some bad decisions

Instead of a horrible person
Who had a few shining moments

That I happened
To see

Today makes me wonder
If there's anything

She can do
To convince me

That she isn't the person
I've always made her out to be

The person she, up until a few months ago,
Showed me she was

I have no idea where I am
I have no idea where she is

But I know that
She is on my heart

And she will
Always remain there

And after today
I realized that

I don't know if there's anything
That can change that

Will I ever let myself
Accept the fact

That she isn't coming back?
That she isn't that amazing?

To me, denying that would
Be like denying my faith

Because, at times, it seems as though
Those may be the only two things I've ever believed in

One in the Same

It doesn't have to
Be this way

How did "our" friends go
From being caught

In the middle
To not even being able

To look at me
When I pass by

How did they go
From supporting me

And telling me
That you were the one

Who made the mistake
To joining in your fight

To tear my life apart
Piece by piece

Are you really that persuasive?
Do I really seem that dishonest?

I just can't imagine that they
Have been playing me this whole time

But then again
I would have never imagined

That you could
Turn on me like this

Maybe I should
Start imagining

Maybe your cynicism caused you
To betray the hopeless romantic

Or do we even know
Which one caused the other?

Maybe being a cynic
And a betrayed hopeless romantic

Are one in the same

So What Does It Mean?

So this time
After I asked

For the sign
I dreamt about us

Yet again
And it was

The most vivid dream
Yet to come

I still feel like
I'm in the middle of it

We were in exactly the same place
That we are now

And I was chasing after you
And finally I stopped

And got down on one knee
And asked you to marry me

I said "I know we don't have the money for this
And I know we're too young"

"And I cant
Buy you a ring"

"But I'm proposing because I want
To spend the rest of my life with you"

"We can do this
I swear we can make it"

"In time I'll be able
To give you these things"

"In time it will all be okay
If you just say yes"

"We can make it through
All of this"

And you took my hand
And pulled me up

And said, with tears in your eyes,
"Okay, I'll marry you"

"But if I do
We'll both have to be broken"

Is that why you left me?
To protect us both?

I thought we were saving each other
Were we just breaking each other piece by piece?

And were you just the only one
That could see it?

Prayer

I went to sleep last night
Praying for a sign

As to why
This is all happening

I don't pray much anymore
Because I prayed that you would stay

With a desperation that
Even in my darkest moments

I have never
Come close to knowing

I poured out my heart
With every word

Just as I prayed for you
And about you

Thinking about you
Thanking Him for you

But you still left me
Alone with those prayers

You had become my reason
To pray, to live

You kept my faith alive
In everything

And now I feel as though
I have nothing to believe in

I guess it's all part
Of that catch 22

That you've turned
My life into

Prayer is all I have left without you
But without you, I can't bring myself to my knees