Embracing Heartache

Nothing seems to be
Turning out like we planned

Nothing is how we’ve
Been expecting it to be

But at the
Same time

Isn’t that the story
Of our lives?

Did they turn out
Even close to

How we had
Expected them to?

You weren’t looking for love
And I didn’t expect to find it

Every heartache
We’ve ever experienced

Brought us here
To this part of our lives

So I think we must remember that
While we experience the heartache

And the frustration
That this is bringing

We must remember
That hard times

Are what brought us
To where we are

And I can’t imagine
Being anywhere else

So let’s embrace
The heartache

And look forward to
Where it will take us

Together

Time to Start Living

It’s hard for me to forget what
Everyone else wants to remember

I just want to leave
The past behind

Because they don’t remember
What I remember

They didn’t see
What I saw

They didn’t experience
What I experienced

I want to be rid
Of that part

Talking about it
Remembering it

Will only take away from
What I’ve been given now

And yes, throwing that away
May cause me to throw

Some pieces of
Myself away

But I can
Honestly say

That those pieces
Aren’t meant to stay

Who I was
Is not who I am

Where I was is
Nowhere near where I am

And I just want
That to be known

I put in my time
I did my grieving

Now it’s time
To start living

Proving The World Wrong

I think the reason why
I hated cliches

Was because I thought
That they didn't really exist

Heartache was an expression
Butterflies didn't exist

Love at first sight
Was for the movies

No one ever feels
This way this fast

But it didn't take me long to realize
We had just the right kind of cliche

The kind of true love
That defies all the odds

The kind of love that most people
Wouldn't dare to hope for

The kind of love that you
Didn't dare to hope for

Just the sound of each other's
Voices gives us butterflies

Our hearts ache when
We leave each other

The sound of the other's
Breathing puts us to sleep

It took me seconds
To fall for you

It took me days
To realize it was love

I want nothing more from each day
That to spend it with you

Yes, it defies reason
It defies the odds

But I say
Screw the odds

I no longer care
What the world thinks

About our cliche
About our love

Let's prove the world wrong together.

Stop Trying to Hold It Together

I tried to keep it together
When I saw you for the first time

I tried to keep it together
The first time you smiled at me

I tried to keep it together
When I was asking you to be with me

I tried to keep it together
When I kissed you for the first time

I tried to keep it together
The first time I saw you cry

But I'm starting to realize
That I'll never be able to keep it together

And I don't think
You will either

So let's both give up
Let's both stop trying

Stop trying to hold it together
In this storm we've brought about

Stop trying to hold it together
When they try to break you apart

When they try
To break us apart

Stop trying to hold it together
When you're heart's telling you to let go

If the world crashes down around us
If my love's all you can see

Just fall apart in my arms
I'll hold you together

I'll hold us together

Change

From a friend...

It’s so cold inside
When pretty soon there will be nowhere else to hide
From what everyone else thinks of me
Because it’s so plain to see
What I am isn’t what you expected
Don’t be so quick to reject it

It’s a cold world
When you’re all alone
She’s just another girl
That I brought home
Doesn’t mean she’s here to stay
But I have to say
I’m just not likely to change

Tears in my eyes
As I asked her to stay
Covered the facts with lies
And then just threw me away
If you weren’t happy
Then neither was I
There will be someone else
But for me it won’t be a guy

It’s a cold world
When you’re all alone
She’s just another girl
That I brought home
Doesn’t mean she’s here to stay
But I have to say
I’m just not likely to change


I’m coming out
I can hide it anymore
I’m gonna shout
No fear or remorse
I’m living my life
The best I know how
I know I’m right
Because everyone knows now

It’s a cold world
When you’re all alone
She’s just another girl
That I brought home
Doesn’t mean she’s here to stay
But I have to say
I’m just not likely to change

I Miss Everything When It Snows

I asked you
For a butterfly

But what it took me
So long to realize

Was that you
Sent me snow

Twice
Instead

And now I remember
That we had two reasons

For loving
The snow

One was because
It had become ours

We took something
That the rest

Of the world
Was experiencing

And made it
Our own

A marker of the first day
Of the rest of our lives

But now I remember
That we thanked you guys

That morning when
We woke up

Is that why you
Sent it that day?

Were you trying
To give me hope?

Or were you trying
To help me let go?

To help me start the first day
Of the rest of my life?

What would the two of you
Say if you were here?

I feel as though you would have
Never wanted us to fall apart

That you would have felt that it
Was too soon for us to leave each other

Just as we felt it was
Too soon for you to leave us

Without You

Without you
I feel

Like a runner
With a broken leg

Like a student
Without a mind

Like a writer
Without a pen

Like a counselor
Without empathy

Like a Christian
Without a soul

Like a friend
With nothing to give

Like a lover
Without a heart

I can't help but feel
That this is slowly

What I'm becoming
Without you

Wasted on Someone Else

I'm honestly sorry
For everything

Even the slightest
Bad things that happened

Even the slightest
Pain I caused you

I will be the first
To say I wasn't perfect

But know that I never
Wanted to cause you harm

And I would have given anything
To make you happy. Anything.

And I still would
To this day

I never wanted
To hurt you

I know why
You left me

And I can honestly say
That I have truly changed

I don't say that with expectations
That you'll come back

But just to let you
In on the truth

I am not that
Person anymore

I would never be
Depressed with you again

You would never
Have to experience that

So I'm not asking
For you to come back

But I am saying that you're reason
For leaving no longer exists

That person
No longer exists

I know I can be better
Given the chance

And I would hate for that
To be wasted on someone else

What is Love?

I tell myself
To hold on

Just another day
Just another moment

To survive just
A little longer

But what am I
Holding on to?

What do I have left
To keep me going?

What is life
Without love?

What is love
Without life?

What is love
Without mutuality?

What good
Does it do?

What is my love worth
Without you being there

To love me
Like I loved you?

Can't Live Without Dying

You told me to end
My desire for numbness

Telling me that
If I achieved it

I wold be desperate for
Any feeling, even pain

I don't know if you were
Just looking out for me

Or if you honestly
Thought you were right

If you honestly had never
Experienced pain like this

A pain so great
A pain so overwhelming

That only numbness
Can mask it

And even hat
Does a mediocre job

Yes, I do
Desire feeling

But I can no longer
Feel without pain

My heart can't
Beat without breaking

I can't live
Without dying

That Day

I can't tell you
The day I'll die

But I can tell you
The day I stopped living

I can't tell you the day
My heart will stop beating

But I can tell you the day
It was broken beyond repair

The day I was
Broken beyond repair

I can't tell you the day
My soul will enter heaven

But I can tell you the day
It left my body

There isn't much
Left of me

If you ask me what
I can no longer do

I will
Say "nothing"

But on the
Same note

If you ask me
What I can do

With passion
With soul

I will
Say "nothing"

I am alive, but
I am not living

My heart is
Still beating

But I wish
It would stop

I see no reason for
Why I am still breathing

The Fine Line between Reality and Escape

I can tell when I'm
Starting to sober up

Because you seem
Like less of a memory

And seem more
Real to me

So if I can't
Go any further

I just
Try to sleep

But then I realize that
You are with me more in my dreams

Than you are when I'm awake
And of a decent state of mind

So it's crazy to use
Sleep as an outlet

But at least then
I can't control it

That's a little better, right?
Or is it?

Am I ever
Really in control?

It seems as though you are
The only one in control

And to think you said
You wanted less control

Over my life
And that's why you left

So much for doing the right thing
So much for being better off

That seems to be
What you thought

That seemed to be
What your friends said

Back when they
Were being honest

Back before they
Got caught up

In the drama and lies
That have been started

Since you
Walked away

And I won't
Blame you or I

I will just attribute it to the fact that
The would just can't spin properly when we're not together

Things just aren't right
I'm just not right

I hope this happiness
Isn't completely real

And that you are feeling
Some of what I'm feeling

That you know deep down
Something in your life isn't right

And that that something
Might be me

Because we were all the other knew for so long
We had a home. We had plans. We had a life.

When was that no longer enough?
When was I no longer enough?

And was there anything
I could do to fix it?

Half of me hopes
That there was

So I have
A reason to believe

But half of me
Hopes that there wasn't

Because then I would
Have a reason to regret

And I don't think I could
Take one more negative emotion

That could be just enough
To push me over the edge

I hope not, because I made
Promises about not leaving

But then again
So did you

And I always claim that
You're twice the person I am

So what would accepting that
Make me look like?

Can I even look
Any worse without you?

Can I even look
Any more broken without you?

I Can't Leave You Guys Behind

I'm certainly afraid of dying
But what is it that scares me?

Is it the unknown?
Or is it the thought

Of losing the ones
I have left?

Am I ready to leave behind
The one I call my soulmate?

Don't I want to hang around
For another mixed CD? Another checklist?

Or another late night
Filled with frustration and laughter?

Am I ready to leave behind
The one who saved me

When she
gave up the job?

Can I leave that
Place and person of comfort?

The one who has proven
They would do anything

To keep me afloat
Even wrestle me to the ground

The one who has provided me
With a safe place to go

When I am no longer
Safe from myself

Am I ready to leave behind
The one I've helped through the same thing?

How could I abandon them
After all of that?

How could I be
Such a hypocrite?

And what about
The ones who said,

"If you go,
I go"

How can I jump
Knowing I would

Take you down
With me?

I may not have
A life left to live

But I know
That you do

And I can't
Take that from you

And I can't bear
To take the hope

Of those
Who would stay

I don't want
For a second

For them to feel
The way I do everyday

Holding On

I'm sitting here
In this hotel room

My thoughts jumping
Back and forth

From you
To hospitalization

And every now and then
I reach out to Him

Even though we've barely talked
Since the day you left me

And I beg
For a sign

I beg for something to show me
That I still have a reason to hold on

But would I even recognize a sign
If you weren't in it?

Am I willing to
Accept reality as it is

And find what I need
Without you here?

I hope that I can
I hope there's something out there

And I hope
I find it soon

Because I can't
Hold on much longer

Trying To Fight Gravity

You act as though
You don't understand

That I really do
Have a condition

You can't seem to take
What's going on seriously

You tell me to
Buck up and deal with it

That there are people
Worse off than me out there

And when I do take action
Outside of all of you

Because I need help
And you won't acknowledge that

You either ignore it completely
Or talk about that impact and gravity

Of the actions
I have taken

But don't talk to me
About impact

When I was hit
So hard by her

That all sense of who I am
And why I'm here

Was knocked out
Of me completely

Don't talk to me
About gravity

When I am plummeting to the bottom
Of the sea of her emotions

And even though I'm drowning
I can't lift myself out

I refuse to believe
That this is just ignorance

But I'm not sure
What it is

Maybe you are trying
To protect yourselves

Because you don't want to know
How bad things really are

I don't blame you.
I wouldn't either.

Why do you think
I try to escape

With every
Chance I get?

Maybe that's what
She was doing

Trying to
Protect herself

Maybe that's what
She's still doing

Maybe it's harder to see
The pain in my eyes

Or to hear my cries
While you're drowning me

I have never wanted
Anything to be hard on you

So if drowning me is what it takes
To keep you sane

Then I will stop
Trying to fight gravity

"Is it true, is love all you need?"

You may disagree with me when I say
That love really is all you need

Because it doesn't pay the bills
It doesn't sustain you

At least not in the sense
That we see as important

It doesn't keep you
Alive and breathing

But it makes you want to stay alive.
It makes you want to keep breathing.

Yes, you can survive without it.
But can you live without it?

Can you experience the true joy
Of what life has to offer

Can you experience true passion
Without it?

I know that
I didn't. I couldn't.

True love pulled me out
Of the dark depths of depression

In a way that counselors, medications,
What have you, could not

So you can believe love
Is far from all you need

But I can tell you
To my great misfortune

That love really is
All I need

Too Much Heart

I have changed so much
I've become a shell of who I once was

I feel as though
I'm not even recognizable

When I like in the mirror
I don't know whose eyes I'm seeing

Maybe that's because
All I can see is you

But my friends seem
To not even know who they're talking to

My mom told me
That you had taken me from her

They tell me I'm not
The person they once knew

And how can I dispute them?
There's nothing left to me

Well, there is one thing
My heart hasn't changed

It's still
Too big

For its own good
For my own good

It encompasses what little
Is left of me

And at the same time
It was what took it all away to begin with

And it's the one thing
No one can change

You stripped every piece of me away
But not that

And sometimes
I wish you would

It's becoming so hard
To carry around

Especially with so
Little strength left

I am a skeleton
With nothing left

But a heart
That has gone from

Being the best part of me
To being the one thing that's

Weighing me down more each day
Killing me little by little each day

Late Night Ramblings To A Friend

Is it really better to have loved and lost
Than to have never loved at all?

That is the question
Of the night

I want to
Know your opinion

Before I fall asleep
And descend into our world

Where there is still love
And I can convince her of that

We'll never escape each other
Even if it's only in our dreams

I do
Know that

Even if she never comes back
Even if I never come back

Will I ever come back?
To reality? To the old me?

Is this a start
In the right direction?

Who knows?
Who will ever know?

Only her.
Always her.

Part of the reason
That she left me

Was supposedly because she held
Too many cards in the relationship

I wonder if she realizes
That by leaving me

All she's done
Is gathered even more?

Does It Even Matter?

I won.
It's over.

But it didn't change anything
In terms of my thoughts

It just changed
My reality

Or ave my thoughts
Become my reality?

Have my writings
Become my reality?

Can I even tell
The difference between the two?

Does it even matter?
Does anything matter

Without her
But loss?

Trying To Cope

Sometimes I wonder
If I would be better off

Deleting these messages
Before the morning

Because I don't know
If I want to see

What raw heartbreak
Looks like in my life

Because there's always something
I don't see when I'm sober

It's a shield
For us. Always.

Even if we think
We're always up front and real

There's always a shield that
Sometimes when we're drunk

We can't think enough
To think it into existence

To believe it
Into existence

Did I believe our love into existence
When I was sober?

When I didn't have
A reason to get drunk

Because nothing would be better
Than the sober reality of being with her?