Your Reality

You had someone from the trip
Ask you if you were having a good time

And your first thought was
"Without her?"

For a second you had forgotten
That your reality has become separate from the world's

That she has become your reality
Your time, your life has begun to revolve around the two of you

You have lost
All concept of time

Your past has become
Your life with her

Your present has become
Losing her

Your future has become
Your life without her

Your dates revolve around
Your monthaversaries, your wedding plans...

You can't seem to think about life
Without thinking about that fact that she's not here with you

Her Ring

So you're starting to get used to
The loss of the weight of her ring

Not that it was a weight
It was a balance

Being without it felt wrong
Like something was missing

You know she took hers off too fast
And was left with a void that she filled with hate

Or should you say "hate"?
Because you still don't believe that it's real

Are you just ignorant?
Or are you the only one in the world who knows what's going on in her head?

It wouldn't be the first time
And you hope it won't be the last

You hope she'll let you into those places again
Even if you have to ask

Taking Everything But Your Name

She was supposed to take your name
But she took everything else instead

She was supposed to take your name
But she took your heart instead

She was supposed to take your name
But she took your dignity instead

She was supposed to take your name
But she took your pride instead

She was supposed to take your name
But she took your faith instead

She was supposed to take your name
But she took your hope instead

Or did she?
Will you ever lose this hope?

Will you ever feel that there's anyone else
Who's meant to take this name?

What About Love?

The beach gives me a sense of peace
Not the same as what you gave me, of course

It just makes the words flow
Not in the same way you could make them flow, of course

I have written so much
While I've been here

But it's all revolved
Around you, of course

You said that part of the reason why you left
Was because you meant too much to me

Did you honestly think
Leaving me would change that?

Or did you know
It would enforce it?

Leaving me not only with the same feelings
But with them unreturned

Were you even thinking?
Did you even consider that?

I have heard that it can be easy
For fear to overcome rationale

But what about love overcoming all?

Too Much to Handle

I didn't dream about you last night
Or at least I couldn't remember my dreams

Maybe that's because my subconscious mind knew
That it would just be too much too handle

As if it wasn't too much to handle
When I had to spent nine months lying to everyone I loved

As if it wasn't too much to handle
The first night when you tried to leave and I begged you to stay

As if it wasn't too much to handle
When I found out you had spent days giving me false hope

As if it wasn't too much to handle
When you thought a phone call would suffice

As if it wasn't too much to handle
When I saw that it only took a matter of hours to get your ring off

As if it wasn't too much to handle
When you told me you hated me

As if it wasn't too much to handle
When you told me you didn't owe me anything anymore

Even an explanation
But forget the explanations

None of that matters to me
Just come back and we'll start over

You wanted so desperately for me to forget the past
Well, my love, that's exactly what I'm trying to do

All The Pieces

I went back to the beach
Something I wasn't sure if I'd ever again be able to do

Because you were the last and the next one
That was supposed to be here with me

Why are you not still here with me?
Why am I not still there with you?

You took your bedroom back
And you took our apartment back

But as much as that shocked me
As much as that hurt me

I never thought
You would take your heart back

Because you still
Have mine too

Well, that is, if you can find all the pieces
From where you shattered it right before my eyes

From a friend...

I will by no means take credit for these, but a friend recently shared them with me and I could definitely understand where they were coming from in writing them so I thought I'd share.

Forgotten Tomb

Somewhere locked deep inside
Are the feelings that I hide
The feelings of a love so pure
It's sad they weren't so sure

So they caused me all this pain
And caused me to go insane
So I lock my feelings inside their tomb
The feelings from which I felt so much gloom

Now they hurt me no more
Except the open wounds so sore
The corpses of my love, heart, and soul
Are buried in that deep dark hole

Behind a set of doors
With traps set in the floors
And of course there's a lock and key
It will take some work to set them free

But if you have the time and skill
You may find a way still
To break into that hallowed room
And release my soul from its sullen tomb


Leaving Love

All the tears that I cry
Seem to be in correlation to your lies
And all the things that you say
Never seem to happen that way

All the feelings that I felt
And every situation with which I dealt
It all seemed to be because of you

I know you're feeling it too
This is long overdue
Me and love, we're through

Every night I lie awake
Every hit I take
Every time I was down
Every time I got up off the ground

It was love that put me there
Now I have nothing left to share
All of this because of you

I know you feel it too
This is long overdue
Me and love, we're through

I can't imagine this life
Without all your strife
I can't stand in this rain
Without feeling your pain

I can't tip this bottle back
Without it pouring in every crack
Sadly I know it's true
It's all because of you

I know you're feeling it too
This is long overdue
Me and love are through

I ride off into the sun
Knowing that I'm done
I can finally live free
Without you weighing down on me

I can finally breathe this breath
Without thinking about everything I left
I can finally move on
Knowing that I'm gone

To look back again
Would be a mortal sin
I know we had our fun
But me and love, we're done


Cranial Garden

You planted thoughts in my head
I watered them and made sure they were fed
I talked to them and gave them light
Hoping everything would turn out right

I'm not quite sure why you put them there
But you left them without a care
You left them lying in their bed
So I let them wither, see them dead

I don't know why you led me here
Your intentions were never clear
I couldn't see what you had to gain
By causing me all this pain

Now I told you that they died
Told you how hard I tried
You seemed so sad to see them go
If that's true why couldn't you let me know

You seemed to want to keep them alive
Am I just another bee living in your hive
So hard to keep these thoughts green
When you couldn't tell me what they mean to you

I don't know why you lead me here
Your intentions were never clear
I couldn't see what you had to gain
By causing me all this pain

Now I've seen beyond your game
Removed your garden from my brain
I still have no idea why you wanted it there
Honestly I couldn't care

I only wish you the best
Sorting out all the rest
You said you wanted to be more than friends
But wouldn't bring yourself to it in the end

I wish I knew why you lead me here
I wish you could make your intentions clear
I wish I could see what you had to gain
So I could use it to get past all this pain

A slight drizzle coming down
The seeds laying in the ground
Light shining where they lay
Maybe they could find a way

Forgetting the Love to Forget the Guilt

Did taking down all my pictures
Make you forget me?

Did throwing away all my letters
Make you forget me?

Did pretending like you hate me
Make you forget me?

Did all of the lies you told
Make you forget me?

Did filling the void with someone else
Make you forget me?

We both know they never will.
But do you wish they would?

Or is that just a lie
Like everything else?

A Thank You Letter

You saved me
From her and from myself

And not just on the first night when we got back from her place
And I took off my belt and handed it to you

And we both knew the impact of that gesture
Without having to say a word to each other

But you stayed when no one else would
When no one else could

You never stopped listening
Never stopped telling me it would all be okay

You never took your eyes off of me
Once you found out where I was

You tried so hard
To make it better

You lifted my spirits
With "Mr. Jones"

Telling me that if everybody loves me
I can never be lonely

You even drove me to the last place I wanted
But the first place I needed to go

I don't know how
You handled it

But I am forever grateful
For what you did

You saved my life
You gave me a reason to stay

When I thought
She was the only one I had

I still listen to that song
When I think about ending it

To remind myself
That we will always have each other

That I could never do to you
What she did to me

All You Had

They tell you you should
Focus on the good

On everything you do have
But what they don't know

Is that you would give it all up
To have her back

There's nothing you wouldn't have done
To change what happened

But that's just it
You did give it all up for her

You have her your heart
When your heart was all you had

And you know she didn't ask
But she didn't have to

Then she walked away
When it felt like she was all you had

Was she all you had?

More Than A Flame

If you lived by the philosophy
That old flames never die

Then you would have never trusted
What the two of you had

But what you had
Was more than a flame

You don't have enough pride to think
That you're the only one that can make her happy

But you do have enough knowledge
To make you worry that she'll settle again

It breaks your spirit
And lifts it at the same time

To see her happy
You just wish you knew if it was real

Or do you?
Would you even want to know?

Would the pain outweigh the pleasure?
Will yours ever outweigh hers?

Always Her

It was always her
That's how you judged when things had gone too far

When even she wasn't enough
To make you want to live

But what about now?
Where do you draw the line?

Who's strong enough to stop you?
Or just to wake you up?

Who's your reason to stay?
Who's giving you what she gave you?

Trying to Save Each Other

It's crazy how she can make you feel so worthless
Even when you have so many people telling you you're not

And a God that loves you
Not that she believes in Him

She came close once
That night you almost ended it

Was it that she couldn't bear the thought
Of you ending up in different places?

Or was it that she would say anything
Out of desperation?

Because she didn't want you to go
Not because you were her "responsibility"

But because she loved you
Too much to let you

Maybe she still does love you
And this is how she's bearing that same thought

By turning you into a "responsibility", a cause
And you thought you were the one doing the saving

Maybe you could have saved each other
If she had just stayed around

Anyway

You didn't come to her looking for your fate
But she showed it to you anyway

You didn't come to her looking for love
But she gave it to you anyway

You didn't come to her looking for a soulmate
But she gave you one anyway

You didn't come to her looking for loss
But she showed you what it was anyway

You didn't leave her looking for hate
But she gave it to you anyway

You didn't ask to dream about her every. single. night. since she left you
But it's happening anyway

Too Soon

You loved her eyes
But not just the gorgeous blend of colors that far too few people noticed

But what you saw when you looked into them
Yourself, your future, "our" future

You loved being close to her
And not just in the joking obnoxious sense where you think she's leaving forever when she gets up

But you thrived on the great sense of peace
That came from being near her

You loved coming home
And you looked forward to being able to do that every day for the rest of your life

You loved all her smiles
Like the half smile she would fight so hard not let through when she was pretending to give you the cold shoulder

Or the one she gave right before she kissed you
When you hadn't seen each other for a long time, or even just for the day

You loved her laugh
Because it was real; it was genuine

You loved being in her arms
Because you've never found a place where you've felt safer

You loved holding her hand
But it always seemed like you let go too soon

She let go too soon...

When "regular" people say some amazing things...

A friend wrote this and shared it with me a long time ago and I never realized that I would need to hear it as much as I do now...

"It is in the moments after we lose what precious things we hold closest to our hearts that we discover how strong we truly are. These experiences leave us broken, and we are never able to put the pieces back exactly how they were. That's a part of growing up, though. To experience heartbreak and to gain from it. Although the pieces never fit the same way again, new pieces appear. New pieces that add to our character, morality, and strength. Without those additions, we would never mature. We would be incapable of learning. Ultimately, we would be incapable of sharing all of the wondrous sections of moral fiber that make up our individual soul. If you have never experienced a break in spirit, then you have no true sense of what it's like to put it all on the line for something greater than yourself. If you were to play it safe, and avoid all risks, then you have no sense of what it's like to follow your dreams. After all, a dream is usually something that is just beyond your grasp, something you know is out there, but it's just barely unattainable. Every chance you leave untaken is like a missing piece to the puzzle of your soul. No one person ever has the whole puzzle figured out. It is the steps we take to discover the missing pieces that truly showcase our personalities. Some may never go looking for what is missing, while others may literally run from it, but it is those of us strong enough to stick it out and endeavor all of the frustrating nights spent searching for the absent puzzle-piece. It is the person that does not give up that will ultimately end up with just enough pieces to make it work."

You Really Are Scary

She washed the blood from her hands
Before your friends could see

She told them how horrible you were
How scary you were

And the truth is
You really were scary

You scared her the first time you really looked at her
You scared her the first time you reached for her hand

You scared her the first time you held her
You scared her the first time she fell asleep in your arms

You set her heart on fire
And she was scared she might burn alive

So she turned cold
She froze against you

And she wanted the same for you
She tried desperately to give you that way out

She tried desperately to make you hate her
And to make you believe she hated you

And she still is
She's still trying

She may never stop
She may never face you

She's scared for both of you
But that's just it

You would rather burn alive
Than hate her

You would rather spend the rest of your life on fire
Than spend it without her

Oh, to be able to go back...

You count her backward steps
As she makes her way back into the room
Her bag slips out of her hand
Her shoes slip off of her feet

The painful words reenter her mouth
The tears make their way back into both of your eyes
Her ring bounces off of your chest and back into her hand
Then she slips it back onto her finger

Your hands fall back down to your sides
Your words of desperation make their way back into your mouth
You watch her backward steps until she is sitting on the edge of the bed
Your body immediately follows and is hurled back beside her because you jumped at the sound of those words

But this time the words “I can’t do this anymore” never make their way out of her mouth
Her body falls back down against the bed
Rolls over as she faces you
You looking into her eyes and her into yours

You're a Catch-22

So I woke up at 3 am and this is what came to mind...

She's amazing. You'll find that out shortly after meeting her.
But she's broken. So you try to save her, because she invokes a desire in you too powerful to fight.
But she's not ready, so you wait. And you wait. And finally she lets you in.
And when she does, it's like nothing you've ever felt before.

She brings you to new heights, give you highs you never thought you could experience.
She becomes like an addiction, something you can't live without.
And you'll do anything to keep this high. You'll do anything to make her happy.
And you do. You treat her like no one has ever been treated. You value her like no one has ever been valued.

And you both know this is the best that it's ever going to get for each other.
So you start making plans...living together, marriage, kids....
You can't wait to spend the rest of your life with her.
And it seems mutual for a very long time.

Then one day she gets scared again.
She no longer believes you can save her.
She no longer lets herself be happy with you.
She's too scarred not to settle.

Because with new heights come the possibility of falling.
So she starts worrying about falling.
And you promise to catch her.
But she won't listen.

And you go back to day one.
You tell her you'll wait.
But she won't let you.
She's determined to convince herself that you've done something wrong. That you're wrong.

So you fight.
You fight with everything you have.
You fight as if you were fighting for your life.
Because she has become your life.

And she can't take it.
She won't let you fight.
She's determined to settle.
Even though that's the last thing she deserves.

And you can't bear the thought of living without her.
She was your passion, your life.
Dying even seems a more feasible option.
Would it not be better than watching her "move on" with someone who doesn't even care that she's broken?

But would that not be hypocritical of you?
To move on without her?
Knowing being with anyone but her would be settling.
But you know you can't be with her.

She refuses to come back.
Refuses to be saved.
But that's just it. You already saved her.
And that new-found freedom, that new-found happiness made her run. Made her run like hell.

And you would chase her.
Chase her until your legs break beneath you.
But will you ever catch up to her?
And if you do, will she even turn around?